JOKE 1

A section of motorway walks into a bar. "A pint please barman but before you serve it I think you should know, not to mess with me because I'm ashard as rock and I'll take no stick". The barman replies " a pint sir with no messing". The section of motorway then takes his pint and sits in the corner of the pub.

A little while later a section of red Tarmac enters the pub and orders a pint, the barman replies "A pint sir but before you drink it please beware of that section of motorway over there because he's rock hard & I don't want any trouble." As the barman and the Tarmac looked over, the section of the motorway was sat there visibly shaking. The Tarmac stated, "I thought you said you he was hard?" the barman replies "Well that's what he said, hold on I'll go over & see what's wrong".

The barman cautiously walks over to the section of the motorway and asked "what's wrong I thought you said you were hard" to which he replied "yeah, hard I am but he's a flaming Cyclepath!!"

JOKE 2

After a storm at sea a man found himself shipwrecked on a deserted Island, the only other survivors being a Dog and a Pig. After a few days the man was feeling a bit frustrated and started having fantasies about the pig (who's bottom was looking very appealing). But every time the man made advances towards the pig, the dog barked and growled and made it impossible for him to get to the pig. Some days later a beautiful woman was washed up on the very same beach. After been given the kiss of life the woman was eternally grateful to the man for saving her life. She offered to do anything he wanted as way of repaying him. He looked her up and down and replied, "Can you take the dog for a walk!!"

JOKE 3

A site agent was walking back to his office when he notices that the clerk of works is struggling to get into her vehicle. He walks over to her and asks if he can be of any assistance. "If you could I would be extremely grateful" she replies, "I appear to have locked my keys in the car" At this point the site agent begins to rub his bottom up and down the door handle of the car. "What on earth do you think you're up to?" asked the women. "Don't worry," said the site agent, "these are my Khaki trousers!!"

JOKE 4

Spiderman was stranded in Glasgow. It was imperative that he got to London in the next 45 minutes. The only way he could possibly get there in time was to ask Superman to fly him there. Spiderman contacted Superman and Superman agreed to help. As soon as Superman arrived he said to Spiderman "Quick get on my back and we'll fly to London".
"Thanks said Spiderman as they took off high above the clouds." After 10 minutes Spiderman asked "where are we now Superman?"
"Hang on a minute" said Superman "I'll put my hands through the clouds and check………. We're over Leeds."
"How on earth do you know that?" asked Spiderman. "Simple really" said Superman "I put my hands down through the clouds and touched the floodlights at Elland road." Ten minutes later Spiderman asked again where they were and once again Superman put his hands down through the clouds and replied, "We're over Manchester, I just touched the lights at Old Trafford." A further ten minutes on Spiderman asked yet again where they had got to, again superman put his hand down through the clouds to check "We're over Liberty Business Park in Nuneaton" said Superman. "But how do you know that?" asked Spiderman "there's no big football stadium at Liberty Business Park." "No," agreed Superman, "When I put my arm down through the clouds, some Bastard stole my watch!!!"

JOKE 5

Laughing_Policeman.mp3

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